


switching up the beat

by thisstableground



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 14:11:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17623892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisstableground/pseuds/thisstableground
Summary: Following leads on a string of bodega robberies in their precinct, Jake and Rosa have to interview one of the perp's previous targets: a store owner from Washington Heights. It doesn't entirely go as anticipated.





	switching up the beat

**Author's Note:**

> [Belphegor on tumblr mentioned wanting an ITH/B99 crossover. So I wrote one!]

It turns out that recent bout of bodega hits - the ones Jake and Rosa suspect might be tied into anasty small-time drug ring they've been after - have a suspicious amount in common with a  streak of similar jobs up in Washington Heights a month or so ago. They've spent the whole day interviewing the targets from the Heights robberies. It's kind of a pain in the ass, since half of them seem pretty unwilling to talk to cops any more than they already have and the rest don't remember anything useful, but hey, not every day on the job can be all madcap heroics and daring stunts. Or so Amy always tells him, but it's like why even become a cop in the first place if that's gonna be your attitude?

"To keep the streets clean of crime and protect the upstanding citizens of our fine country?" she'd answered, which earned her a loud scoff. Then she said "you know you aren't supposed to just shout  _scoff!_ when you're scoffing at people, right?" so Jake had been forced to scoff at her again and leave in a huff to do actual work.

He’s simultaneously reading some of the files they requested from the other precincts and trying to come up with a good line for when they catch this bastard: there's a lot of bodega crime in New York City, so he's already used all the best ones a million times. So far all he has is “do you need a bag for that, because _you’re_   _going to jail!”_ and Charles said it was amazing, which duh-doy, of course it is, but Holt said it made no sense and got all in his head about it so now he has to think of another one - when Rosa comes up and punches a fist down into Jake’s desk.

“Traditionally most people open a conversation with a friendly _hello_ ,” Jake informs her cheerfully.

“Hello,” Rosa says. "I hate people."

“Mmmm, it's getting there, but maybe a _how are you_. Or a smile, if you, uh, know how to do that.”

Rosa bares her teeth at him.

"Horrifying," he says. "I love it! So did you come here just to punch my desk or was there something else?"

“I’m trying to get information out of that store owner from 184th and it is  _not. Working.”_

“The De la Vega guy?” Jake says. “But his name rhymes with his job, how can he not be helpful? Hey, is his first name Jäger? Because thatwould be so dope. Jäger ‘The Bomb’ De la Vega: bodega owner by day, explosives expert by night! Badadadaaaa!”

“No, his name's Usnavi, and he’s impossible. I was talking to him for a whole hour, I can’t do it any more.” She makes a pained face and reluctantly mutters “I need your…ugh, help.”

“Ohohohoho!” Jake cackles, delighted. “Our tough nut’s found a nut too tough even for her to crack, has she? Needs ol’ Jakey the Nutcracker to come at him and pry open that shell, scoop all that sweet nut knowledge out of him, huh?”

"If you say nut one more time I'm going to break your arms. Just come deal with him for me.”

***

Jake’s a little disappointed looking through the two-way glass. When he pictured someone who could outmatch Rosa it was so not this guy. Usnavi De la Vega is around Jake-height, and he’s Jake-skinny and Jake-twitchy. So basically just a latino version of Jake oh my  _god_  is this what his and Amy’s kids will look like? Is he gazing into the future?! The future looks like he's wearing Terry-sized clothes and has a faint coffee stain on his red shirt. Amy would never let their child go out like that.

“Quit staring at him and get in there, you creep,” Rosa says.

“Oh, right,” Jake says. Showtime. He cracks his knuckles, says “aaaand ahhhwatchhowit’sdone” to Rosa then bursts into the interview room. Usnavi squeaks in surprise. Good. Jake’s already got the upper hand. He turns his chair round and sits on it backwards, like a badass. “Alright, you son of a bitch - woah, nope, sorry,  _way_  too hard way too soon there - alright, Usnavi, my partner Diaz tells me you’ve been holding out on her.”

“I, uh, I’m real sorry if I ain’t helpin?” Usnavi says, fidgeting with his hat. How cute would a Peralta-Santiago baby in a tiny baby Kangol hat be? Do they even  _make_  hats that small? “I tried my best but it was a month back so I ain’t remember much about him, I get so many folks come through the store and to be honest I mostly just paid attention to the fact he had a gun.”

Usnavi’s eyebrows do an incredibly complicated squiggle that perfectly conveys every emotion he feels about the situation, and Jake guiltily thinks,  _oh, right, he’s the victim._  He’d got so caught up in the idea of Rosa’s hard-ass stoic interviewee that he’d sort of forgotten that part. He dials his Tough Cop act back in.“That’s okay. I know it must have been scary. We want to stop it happening again. Just tell me everything you can remember about it, anything helps.”

Usnavi frowns. “Uh…well. I definitely remember it was on a Monday, ‘cause I remember bein’ super glad that Sonny ain’t work on Mondays - oh, Sonny’s my cousin, he’s seventeen, real good kid. He’s goin’ places. You know he's been able to fix a fridge all by himself since he was thirteen, no help from nobody? Ain’t get those brains from me, I can tell you. He’s goin’ to college next year!”

He's grinning now. God _,_ what a letdown, this guy'sreallynot intimidating at all. Probably Rosa just had an allergic reaction to Usnavi's smile: it's like a ray of sunlight. Maybe she was worried it would turn her into dust and that's why she left. Lame.

“Good for him,” Jake says. “But, back to the robb-”

“Yeah, he’s a scholarship kid! And workin’ for me to raise a bit more cash for it. It’s expensive doin’ college on a single-parent salary, but me and his mom are both so proud. His dad, too, but he lives in DR so he ain’t around so much.”

“I know how that feels,” Jake says, for some reason. Usnavi's eyebrows distinctly say  _would you like to tell me about it_  and a weird haze later Jake's lying across two of the interview room chairs like a couch and saying “it just sometimes feels like I’m eight years old again and yelling at planes to ask if they’ll help me with my math homework” while Usnavi nods sympathetically and hands him another tissue. Rosa breaks the spell by pressing the intercom and saying “Peralta, I’ve been gone for forty-five minutes and you’re still here, what the hell are you doing?! You were supposed to just ask him about the perp, not fall into his weird emotional traps!”

Jake takes stock of the situation - namely, the one where he is  _opening up emotionally_ without  _making a joke,_ and to a complete stranger at that -  and gasps in horror, sitting up. He points an accusing finger at Usnavi. “ _This_ is what Rosa was talking about?! You made me feel things, with your eyebrow magic! How could you?! She’s right, you are impossible!”

“I don’t know nothin’ bout no impossible,” Usnavi says. He looks forlorn. “Did she really say that? I thought we had a nice chat. She was tellin’ me all about her sisters and her jewlry business and how when she gets married she wants the bridesmaids to wear duck-egg blue.”

“You…wait, she  _told_ you, about  _things_? Rosa doesn’t tell anyone about any things, ever.”

“And neither will you,” Rosa’s voice comes through the intercom again. “Nobody will ever find out about this, you hear me? I know where both of you live.”

Jake points at the glass like  _see what I mean_ and says “how did you get  _her_  to talk about duck egg blue dresses?! _”_

Usnavi gives a modest shrug. “Guess I’m just good at talkin’ to people.”

“But…” Jake says. “But…that’s Rosa.  _Our_  Rosa? Rosa Diaz? The most terrifying woman on earth?”

“Ah, she ain’t so bad. You should meet my girlfriend,” Usnavi says, beaming wistfully.

**Author's Note:**

> [please leave comments if you liked it, thankyou!]


End file.
